So Far, So Good
March 15th, 2010
If you’re reading this, then you are, most likely, still alive. Congratulations.
I’ve noticed that after some devastating setback in their lives, folks often proudly declare, “I’m a SURVIVOR!” Heck, they’ve been saying that even before CBS brought Reality TV to America.
What, exactly, does that mean? “I’m a survivor.” It means that despite the fact that I’ve just had my ass kicked, my clock cleaned, and my head handed to me, I’m still alive.
Whoopee. It’s a nice way to proudly declare, “I lost.”
BFD. We’re all survivors. (Note: You might want to get something to drink and make yourself comfortable. You’re about to read a really long list.) So, in no particular order, I’ve survived the following:
The 50’s
Constant exposure to television since age three
Being the smartest kid in Elementary School
Being the most unmotivated kid in Middle School
Being the fat, nerdy kid in High School.
Growing up in East Los Angeles
College during the 60’s
Being a virgin during the sexual revolution
Surviving an auto accident in a totaled vehicle
A pre-induction draft physical
Being declared IV-F
Losing my virginity to a woman two years younger than me
Finding out I was her 20th
Two years of involuntary celibacy
A brief interruption and a third year of involuntary celibacy
Two insane girlfriends (one of whom was a brief solution to involuntary celibacy)
Two seriously broken hearts
Two failed businesses
Surviving a second accident in a totaled vehicle
Not making the same mistake a third time
Being the fat, nerdy adult
Getting fired from a job I was over-qualified for
Getting fired from a job I was under-qualified for
A history of finishing sentences with prepositions
Not graduating college
Lying about not graduating college on job applications
Getting hit up for money from UC Riverside even though I didn’t actually graduate
My 10 year High School Reunion
Driving in Los Angeles
Driving in Los Angeles without air conditioning
A third accident in a totaled vehicle
Three affairs with married women
One week in Intensive Care and three weeks in traction
Learning to make the same mistake a third time
Preferring the voice-over version of Blade Runner
Playing Dungeons & Dragons before it was cool
Realizing later Dungeons & Dragons was never cool
Playing ice hockey
Disco and the accompanying polyester shirts
Two major surgeries, two minor ones
Three really great girlfriends (one of whom I married)
CP/M
Diabetes
High Blood Pressure
Drug abuse
Sleep apnea
Way too much fast food and diet soft drinks
Being gullible
A gambling problem
Flat feet and ingrown toenails
MS-DOS
Sitting through Water World
Windows 95
23 years of marriage to the same woman
A failed career as a screenwriter
The Y2K bug
Being a Republican surrounded by Democrats
A teen-aged son
Bankruptcy
Golf
Being a Los Angeles Kings fan
A cross-country drive with the aforementioned woman and son
My mother (so far)
The death of the World’s Best Dog
Years of my own cooking
Living in a house with crappy water pressure
Hay fever
Windows ME
And countless other bad decisions and acts of my own stupidity.
Yet, despite all of that, here I stand (okay, I’m really just sitting), a survivor.
Not. Dead. Yet.
But working on it.
